


star shopping

by HEAVENTOZAKI



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F, Homophobia, Hurt, Kind of really sad, trigger warning maybe im not sure yet, would that be the correct term??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 18:48:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEAVENTOZAKI/pseuds/HEAVENTOZAKI
Summary: Nayeon tastes like cherries, and cheap alcohol. Jeongyeon dabbles in the taste more than she should.OR:Nayeon uses Jeongyeon, who is very much in love with the girl, multiple times. Really this is just angst.





	star shopping

**Author's Note:**

> a short angsty thing thats surely terrible so my apologies

Jeongyeon is sad.

Sad is a three letter word that holds so much meaning that Jeongyeon thinks is unfair. And things weren't always this way; she used to smile, and to love being around her. She used to want to give her all to her. She still does, but Nayeon has someone else who will hopefully give her his all.

And really, she should have expected this.

It happens over some shitty alcohol that Chaeyoung bought from a cheap store in December. They were staying in Japan, still promoting a new song that was released weeks ago. The song kind of sucks, and so does the alcohol that she's currently downing, but Nayeon is laughing so loudly and so clearly that it makes it worth it. Her cheeks are red, and she's surely drunk by now, but Jeongyeon doesn't mind. 

Her bright red lipstick from earlier is smudged, and hands are grasping at Jeongyeon's shirt so desperately that Jeongyeon can't think. And she knows that this is wrong, and that Nayeon is her best friend, but she doesn't stop her as Nayeon's teeth clash against her own. She tastes of terrible alcohol, and kind of like cherries, and Jeongyeon can't seem to get enough. All logical thoughts end up washed away with the alcohol and Nayeon's lips.

And it hurts, a deep, stinging feeling in Jeongyeon's chest when Nayeon ignores her for a week after. She knows it was stupid, and she knows that she should just get the fuck over it because sex is just sex, and it means nothing to Im Nayeon. Every time she has to accompany any of the younger ones in the same store (Jihyo's orders; she doesn't want them breaking anything), she catches a glimpse of the shitty alcohol Nayeon and her shared. It makes her sick, so nauseous that she feels dizzy.

Jeongyeon remembers the faint taste of cherries. She remembers Nayeon's cold hands grasping onto her shoulders, her nails digging into her pale skin. She remembers how Nayeon looks, flushed and pretty as the most sinful sounds fall from her lips. She remembers how dumb it was, and how much she loves Nayeon. She remembers each and every moment, and the thought that Nayeon will leave, and that Jeongyeon will end up hurt, but she also remembers not caring.

Because any way that Nayeon touches her means everything to Jeongyeon. Management had requested them to stop being so touchy, that rumours would spread, and that the company would lose money. Nayeon had a difficult time, if her shaky hand every time she held Jeongyeon's own hand meant something. 

But it got easier.

The way Nayeon stopped clinging to her at fansigns, the way Nayeon stopped smiling at her in public. She went from anticipating Nayeon's touch, to begging to feel her fingers graze her skin. The slightest touch to Jeongyeon means Nayeon could still care.

But she doesn't, and Jeongyeon knows why. Nayeon is into men, Jeongyeon remembers her telling her this. And management forcing the idea that gay was bad into her head was even worse. Jeongyeon loves Nayeon so much that she's willing to deal with not eating for days at a time, and she's willing to throw up, and fill her heart with guilt, and her stomach with alcohol and pills. And Nayeon couldn't care less. So much that she asks her to pass her the bottle of alcohol late at night after promotions, and they drink, and drink until Jeongyeon can't see straight.

Girls shouldn't touch girls. It's something that management had told Nayeon, something that made Jeongyeon heavy with guilt. It made it easier for Nayeon to pull away from Jeongyeon, and it made it harder for Jeongyeon to be happy. Nayeon finds solace in late night baths, and phone calls with some foreign guy that Jeongyeon has never even heard of.

And the night that they get yet another win, Nayeon turns to hug Jeongyeon. She freezes up, dropping her arms, and dropping her smile. It hurts, of course, but she's getting more used to it. 

And yet Nayeon finds herself kissing Jeongyeon when they're alone, taking all she can because she's filled herself with some substance that Jeongyeon can still taste on her tongue. But as always, Jeongyeon loves it. She loves the faint cherry on her lips, and the terrible, disgusting taste that accompanies it. She loves when Nayeon ruins her, all the livid bruises that paint her hips and thighs, and all of the hurt. She loves it.

Jeongyeon looked up to Nayeon. When they were just kids, and they had to stay up into the latest hours of the night and earliest hours of the morning practicing over and over, and when they had to starve themselves together because it was the only way they could lose weight quick enough before they all had to be weighed that week. When they went out to places that they could only dream going to now, and when they both met Jihyo. They did everything together because that's how it was supposed to be.

It's Nayeon's birthday. 

She could make a grandma joke, and she could tease Nayeon about how she'll have to carry her back to the dorm later because her knees might give out. But she doesn't. They're live, and everyone else is talking absentmindedly as Jeongyeon stares at Nayeon like she's ready to give her life to her. Someone, she can't remember who, reminds them to do their traditional birthday kiss, and it goes okay. Even Tzuyu kissed Nayeon, but she quietly tells Jeongyeon that it's a bad idea. So she doesn't.

Jeongyeon buys her flowers and a stuffed bunny because they remind her of Nayeon. It's the day after her birthday, and when she shows up at her doorstep (she had recently moved out of the dorm), a man with dark hair and dark eyes and glasses simply smiles as he accepts the gifts for Nayeon. Jeongyeon almost throws up on his ugly cat socks.

And she should have expected it, that Nayeon had moved in with her new boyfriend, but that doesn't help the nausea that takes over every part of her. She wants to cry, to complain to someone, but she doesn't because that's not who she is. She smiles and tells the other girls that it went well. Jihyo sees right through her, but keeps to herself; Jeongyeon is an adult.

It's late. Definitely too late to be out, and definitely too late to be out using that advantage to drop a tipsy Nayeon off at her boyfriend's house (they ended up staying a bit too late at a company party). Jeongyeon wishes so heavily that Nayeon would say fuck it and just stay with her at the dorm for the night because she misses the smell of lavender, and the taste of cherries, and she misses Nayeon. She doesn't care if they just stay up and drink or play with her LEGO collection. 

But instead she gets Nayeon bouncing on her fingers right outside of her stupid boyfriend's house, pleads falling from her lips when all Jeongyeon really wants is a sincere apology for hurting her. But at least there's still a way that she's allowed to show Nayeon she cares, so she marks Nayeon's collarbones, and her shoulders, but she's not allowed to even touch her neck because Nayeon is worried that her boy toy would see. Jeongyeon wishes she couldn't care about him.

Jeongyeon's chest is so tight that it hurts, and she's so sad that she can't fucking feel when Nayeon kisses Jeongyeon, gasping into her mouth for her to hurry up before he catches sight of her car outside. So she does, a silent hope in the back of her mind that he would come outside, and know that Nayeon isn't just his, but Jeongyeon knows that she isn't hers either. And Jeongyeon hates how she doesn't even look back or say a fucking word to her after she comes because all Jeongyeon is to her is a goddamn game that she loves to play over and over.

Jeongyeon could definitely afford better drinks than whatever the shit is she's drinking now, but the taste is something she's become more accustomed to. The way it burns her tongue, and throat, and leaves a disgusting taste in her mouth reminds her more of Nayeon and though she'd love to forget, she also doesn't want to. If she forgets, she'll forget the old Nayeon.

Jeongyeon debates trying to ruin Nayeon's life like she's done to her. But she doesn't want to make Nayeon feel what she does. She'd never wish that upon the girl. So she sticks to swallowing maybe four pills (she wasn't counting) with the same sickening alcohol before falling asleep on the bed she no longer shares with Momo. 

Her head hurts like hell, so maybe a couple more won't hurt. 

But they don't. They're supposed to help pain, but they fucking don't, and Jeongyeon just wants solace. She wants to stop management from ruining things, she wants to go back in time. She wants to be able to hold Nayeon's hand in public again, and she wants to be able to give her her birthday kisses. She wants to go on dates again, and get caught because a fan takes a picture of them while they're out, and she wants to be Nayeon's friend again. She wants Nayeon to actually speak to her again.

She hurts for three more months, and on, and on, and on, until Nayeon finally comes to her to actually speak to her. It's late once again, but Jeongyeon can't seem to care that the only reason why she's over here at night is so that the chance of catching them is just that tiny bit lower. They sit out on the roof, and Nayeon points at different stars as she holds onto Jeongyeon's hand. She hates how the only time she can stop feeling is with Nayeon, but at the same time, she loves her and it hurts, and she's caught between wanting to punch her and wanting to kiss her. Maybe she should try both someday.

Nayeon points at a clump of stars, gasping about how it looks like Kookeu. Jeongyeon really misses that dog. She doubts Nayeon's boyfriend would treat the dog like how Jeongyeon would. And she doubts that he'll want as many children as Nayeon wants, and she doubts that he'll make her completely happy. She hopes that it'll all turn out to be some scandal, one set up by management, but she knows it won't. 

She shuts Nayeon up with a kiss, one that she has to deepen to keep from crying because the burning feeling in her lungs at the lack of oxygen is the best thing she's felt in a while. It's the only physical feeling when Nayeon isn't around. It's too natural, the way her right hand slips into Nayeon's (Jeongyeon's) printed pyjama pants. Jeongyeon misses the way Nayeon sounds in every way possible.

And she misses Nayeon warning her to not leave obvious marks, but if Nayeon doesn't care about Jeongyeon, why should she care what happens with Nayeon? She knows her cheeks are wet as her lips make a beautiful artwork out of Nayeon's pale skin, and her eyes are surely wet, and she's crying, and Nayeon is crying out for Jeongyeon, and she hates herself. She hates that the only way Nayeon will ever care is if Jeongyeon gets her off, quick and simple, no strings attached. She hates that the only way she herself will stop caring is with terrible alcohol, and obnoxious pills that don't even work.

But lately Jeongyeon is reckless, so she allows a declaration of love to slip as she's still crying. Nayeon smiles with red cheeks, and Jeongyeon feels a tug on her heart that makes her sick. As Nayeon finally falls apart, she refuses to let go of Jeongyeon, planting kisses all over her wet face, before cupping her cheek softly, her eyes suddenly hardening as she pants against Jeongyeon's lips, "Show me then." 

Jeongyeon promises to over and over again, and though she knows that this way isn't right, and that she'd prefer to take Nayeon out to her favourite place in the world, and completely treat the girl, she continues to give. She supposes that it's a good thing that Nayeon prefers to take. They work this way, through meaningless sex to Nayeon, and her taking all that Jeongyeon has to offer to Jeongyeon pouring herself out to Nayeon. 

She hopes the cherry, and cheap alcohol will give her peace someday.


End file.
